Often, when I reflect on my own parenting journey, I wish I had taken time to sit with my partner and think – really think – about how I wanted to show up as a parent before my kids arrived. So much of pregnancy is taken up with the preparation for the event of birth: doctor/midwife visits, birth classes, baby showers/blessingways, purchasing/registering for things we are supposed to need for our upcoming arrival.

While these appointments, lessons, and rituals are all valid, joyful, and important, we rarely take intentional time to really consider what happens when we have to actively parent a living human (or humans) once they arrive.

In my birth and parenting classes, we take time to pause and consider how we want to show up as parents. Someone told me years ago: We will know our children as adults far longer than we will know them as children, so teach them to be the adults we want to hang out with! These wise words have guided me over the years and I challenge my birth clients to consider what kind of adult they would like to see their child become. Often I hear words like: empathetic, curious, kind, funny, independent, and a good listener. What I haven’t heard is: obedient, rule-follower, content with the status quo, etc. So my question then is, how do we help to guide our children into adults we want to know?

Starting the parenting journey before you have to actually actively parent can help partners* to align about how they want to parent as a team. Diving into how you were parented, reflecting on how your child-self felt, and what worked or didn’t work for you can be very eye-opening. Taking time to share these experiences with your partner and actively listening to their experiences can foster conversations that help you to align in how you want to parent together before you get into sticky situations with a screaming toddler. Determining the non-negotiables together mitigates adult tension and conflict in future moments.

It is also helpful to know that the relationship I have with our kids is not the same as the relationship my partner has with our kids. While we align on many things, our approach has been different across the years. There were times when I had to step back and let him “drive the bus” (because only one person can be the driver) and chat with him later about his approach (I say “chat” loosely here, because there were definitely very human, very heated conversations). There were other times he had to tap me on the shoulder and ask if I wanted him to step in, because he could sense my overwhelm. That knowledge of our own personalities, parenting styles, and trust in the love we both have for our kids and each other was definitely not perfect, but it did allow for less conflict in moments of stress (and there were a lot, believe me!).

If you’re pregnant with your first (or your fourth), consider taking time to sit with your partner and think through how you want to do this parenting thing together. For those expecting an additional little human, this work is just as valid, because adding another child (or two, or three…) alters the dynamic of the family and changes how you parent. It won’t be perfect and it will certainly be messy at times, but that intention and deep work together can help to strengthen your partnership and your parenting team.

*For those who are parenting solo, this deep work of thinking through how you would like to show up as a parent can be just as powerful. Also take time to consider and connect with those in your life you can turn to when you need a partner (or partners), so that you can take a step back when you need to. Connecting with them and thinking through their role as intermittent parent/auntie/grandparent/friend ahead of time gives you the knowledge that you have people to lean on when you hit upon the harder moments. You are doing the work of two people and, for that, you deserve double the respect and empathy. Look for those in your life who will hold you up (and hold your baby), because none of us are supposed to do this work all on our own; your partners are out there.